Twelve Weeks

By Maternity Matters Admin on 15/08/2011 in Birth Trauma Stories

I’ve reached that magical stage: twelve weeks. The point where all the proffesionals agree that the morning sickness subsides and the first scan takes place. The time when most expectant women start to emerge from their self imposed exiles and begin to bloom. But I’m not most women.

For me, twelve weeks has a different significance.

It was at twelve weeks when I first saw my son’s grainy image on the screen at Bolton Hospital. The first time I met him and felt for sure I would love him as soon as I held him. For those few moments, the intense nausea I had been suffering (and would go on to suffer for another few months) was forgotten. For those few moments, all I could think about was that little wriggling, squirming baby inside of me. I remember that he kept leaping and jumping, like he was on a water slide. The sonographer joked that we would have our hands full with this one. How right she was.

I remember the second scan. We found out he was a boy. I can’t describe the elation, the spring to our footsteps as we rushed out to buy some blue Adidas. A boy! A boy! We were so happy.

The happiness of those moments make the sadness of his birth even more striking for me. Each tear I shed feels like a waterfall. Each flip of my stomach feels like I’m on a water slide myself. Each time I think back to what happened and what those early days were like, I feel so angry.

My son’s first days in life were supposed to be happy. WE were supposed to be happy. We were robbed of that.

So at twelve weeks this time, things are starting to feel a little familiar. I’ve done as much as I can to make sure that this time will be different, but my body and my mind can’t help doing what they do. Each wave of nausea that crashes over me takes me back to my last pregnancy. Each time I think Wait! I’m sure that was the baby moving… each time I collapse into bed so tired I can barely muster the energy to turn off the light… I think, I’ve been here before.

Today we have our twelve week scan. At a different hospital. Will it be happy? Will I feel that same sense of determination that the little life inside of me is going to make me happy? Will that grainy image put everything else to rest, give me something new to focus on? I hope so.

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10 Responses to Twelve Weeks

Bod for tea 15/08/2011 at 07:23 #

Best of luck with the scan today honey x

Reply
Kylie Hodges (@kykaree) 15/08/2011 at 07:43 #

Sending you lots of love and positive thoughts. This time WILL be different.

Reply
Lorraine Berry 15/08/2011 at 07:48 #

It can be a different and a better experience, and I’m sure it will – you’re much more informed, motivated, knowledgeable about what you really don’t want – as time goes on will need to focus on the positive steps you can do to help you have the things that you do want to happen, focus on what things you and your lathers can do to make it different / better this time.
Your awful experience previously tarnished the pregnancy, birth and early days with your boy – don’t let it overshadow this baby too.
(email me and I have something for you x)

Reply
Lorraine Berry 15/08/2011 at 07:48 #

(btw – should be partner, not lathers!)

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working london mummy 15/08/2011 at 08:03 #

good luck! I look forward to hearing how things progress. Each time is different and I hope so much that this one will be great xx

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Tasha Batsford 15/08/2011 at 08:15 #

I wish you every good thing for this pregnancy and birth.

If I could pass on one helpful bit of advice for getting through this pregnancy in a positive way it would be to seek out the Natal Hypnotherapy that best suits your needs. If there isn’t one, get the VBAC course because the first CD is all about letting go of the last birth experience.

I won’t lie, it was incredibly tough to do, but I can’t even begin to describe how it has helped my mental state this time round.

Tash

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admin 15/08/2011 at 10:11 #

Thanks guys, its much appreciated. Will update later. Lorraine, am emailing you now
XxX

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admin 15/08/2011 at 21:42 #

Well the scan went well, just one baby and all looks fine! Had a bit of a do trying to get blood for the nuchal tests- two bruised arms, one bruised hand and one fainting episode later it is all done!
XxX

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Tim M 28/09/2011 at 13:49 #

Seems from what I am reading things have not got better in 18 years….. when my son was born the happiest thing was to get out of the hospital with him before they could screw things up even more. There was only one midwife there that was worth anything the rest dictatorial interventionists who caused problems by meddling where not necessary.

Reading these comments brings back a lot of anger, all unnecessary, and yes I am the dad….

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